Saturday, February 21, 2015

Empty arms

Does someone want to let me borrow their baby to snuggle? I was not expecting an overwhelming desire to hold a baby to hit me. It comes out of no where and my arms and chest feel empty. It's like my body is catching up to the fact that BB is gone. The first time it hit me I was so uncomfortable I wanted to scream. It didn't hurt, it was just more than I could take.

It's probably a good thing that I care so much about social norms, otherwise I'd be a complete mess in public. There are some times that I can't stop it and in those times I'm so glad to have BF. He's become my safe spot. We were in Costco the other day and I was doing okay until the end. All of the sudden a very pregnant woman walked in front of me. I became very aware of all the children around and couldn't breath. The tears came before I could stop them. He was so worried about me and calmed me down.

I wonder what people think when they see me tear up in public? It happens more often than I'd like to admit. Or when I'm looking at their baby, wishing it was BB and I could cuddle him? My entire life has been turned inside out yet everyone else keeps going on about their lives. I just want to tell them that I'm not crazy, my baby is gone. He's not with me and it hurts. Sometimes I just want to curl up on the floor of wherever we are and scream/sob. I don't do that though.

So if you see a woman with tears in her eyes at the store maybe give her a smile. Don't be freaked out when she starts crying because of the act of kindness. She may be a birth mom grieving the loss of her child. She will always remember that.