Saturday, February 21, 2015

Empty arms

Does someone want to let me borrow their baby to snuggle? I was not expecting an overwhelming desire to hold a baby to hit me. It comes out of no where and my arms and chest feel empty. It's like my body is catching up to the fact that BB is gone. The first time it hit me I was so uncomfortable I wanted to scream. It didn't hurt, it was just more than I could take.

It's probably a good thing that I care so much about social norms, otherwise I'd be a complete mess in public. There are some times that I can't stop it and in those times I'm so glad to have BF. He's become my safe spot. We were in Costco the other day and I was doing okay until the end. All of the sudden a very pregnant woman walked in front of me. I became very aware of all the children around and couldn't breath. The tears came before I could stop them. He was so worried about me and calmed me down.

I wonder what people think when they see me tear up in public? It happens more often than I'd like to admit. Or when I'm looking at their baby, wishing it was BB and I could cuddle him? My entire life has been turned inside out yet everyone else keeps going on about their lives. I just want to tell them that I'm not crazy, my baby is gone. He's not with me and it hurts. Sometimes I just want to curl up on the floor of wherever we are and scream/sob. I don't do that though.

So if you see a woman with tears in her eyes at the store maybe give her a smile. Don't be freaked out when she starts crying because of the act of kindness. She may be a birth mom grieving the loss of her child. She will always remember that.


  1. I am a GBCBer who followed your story, and I must say this post really resonates for me, but for a slightly different reason.

    I experienced a loss when I was 20. It was prior to meeting my H and having the 2 children that led me to TD. I felt like no one would understand, and I hid as much as possible. I couldn't be around babies, or I'd have similar moments of sadness that hit me so hard I couldn't stand. Still now, in a completely different phase in my life, I see children who are the age my son should be, and I am still occasionally overcome. I am so Glad you have your BF to support you through those moments. I hope in time, these moments will be more manageable for you.

    I have so much love and respect for you as a birth mom and as a woman, for doing what you've done. I hope you know that you have touched lives by sharing your experiences, and although at times I've shed tears thinking of you (especially that labor, my goodness!) that I have also been inspired and enriched by 'knowing' you.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your story. <3

      I am blessed to "know" you as well. The community from GBCB has been one of my biggest supports during this time.