Huge hugs mama. I remember being where you are. Researching "adoption", "open adoption", and "birth mothers" until the words ran together. Crying as I read story after story about adoption. I was terrified by some of the stories I read. Screaming into my pillow because I did NOT want to make this choice. I didn't want to make any choice. I just wanted to sleep. I browsed so many agency sites and just looked at families. How was I ever going to choose? I rubbed my stomach and cried. Telling this baby that I loved them and that I was so sorry. I reached out for help on internet groups. I found a mix of opinions out there, and most of what I heard was great. Open adoption was wonderful and it worked for everyone, children were so "blessed" to be loved by so many people. The grief a birth mother would feel was overshadowed by the love she felt for her child and the knowledge that she did what was "best".
I went back and forth in my head. I could do this. I couldn't do this. I had to do this. My heart was firm on 'this is your baby, what are you thinking?!?!" Overruling your heart is hard. Telling your heart that love sometimes just isn't enough doesn't lessen the pain. I kept reminding myself of my reasons. I believed that my child deserved two parents at home, a financially stable life, and more than I could provide for him. I deeply believed that I wasn't good enough to raise my child on my own, and many of the things I read online fed into that belief. Sweet mama, I want you to know that you ARE good enough to raise your child. You CAN do this. There are resources out there for you and people who want to help you. Reach out to me here and I will connect you with resources.
Choosing adoption for your child does not take away your "mother status". You are and will always be a mother. If you choose adoption, your child will have two mothers. You will be their birth mother who loved on them while they were growing. You are the mother who created this baby. You gave your body fully over to pregnancy. The heartburn, the insomnia, the throwing up, the *ahem* hemorrhoids. You have loved this baby unconditionally. Even if you don't feel like you are connected to this pregnancy, you love your child. Just by researching your options, you love this child. By crying and wishing that you didn't have to make this choice, you love this child. This baby is developing surrounded by so much love.
I know you are scared. It's terrifying. If you choose adoption for your child, you WILL make it. The process won't kill you, even if you sometimes think it may.
My heart breaks for you. I am here for you, and so are many other birth mothers.
Please, be gentle on yourself. Give yourself grace. Pregnancy is hard enough without adding the stress of an adoption. This is a huge decision that will affect you and your child for the rest of your lives. There is no "moving on", you will just learn to live with the grief. If you need help, reach out.
Sending you love,