Sunday, April 26, 2015

Forever missing part of your heart

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone.  

I had never really thought much of this quote. Actually, if anything, I think it made me roll my eyes a little before I found out what having a child was really like. Now I know that this quote is probably the best way to describe having a child. 

Being a birth mother makes this quote that much more meaningful, and more painful. You've chosen to carry this child, to give birth to them, and to love them with everything that you have. While your pregnant, you can't fully understand what it will be like. I didn't. I thought that I would have him, be sad for awhile, and pick my life right back up where I left off. I have never been more wrong in my life. 

The love for him didn't hit me instantly. The first time I saw him I was in disbelief that this baby was actually mine. There were some complications after birth, so it didn't hit me until a few hours later. He was starving so I decided to try nursing him. He latched on, ate a bit, let out a huge sigh and fell asleep. In that moment I fell head over heels for him. In that moment, I knew that part of my heart will forever be walking outside of my body. 

Then, I did what I didn't think I was strong enough to do. I placed him in his mother's arms and left the hospital. I cried the entire night. We had a visit the next night and one last visit that Saturday. On the way to that last visit before they left the state, I sobbed. I told my mom that I didn't know if I could do this. I felt empty and the only thing that made me feel whole again was holding him. I cuddled him the entire visit. When they left, I went to the grocery store with my mom and ended up crying in public. That was not my finest hour. 

Being a birth mom means that you've entrusted part of your heart to someone else. There's a void that can never be filled. You walk around with a piece of you missing. The only time you feel truly whole again is when you get to see your child. For many birth moms, that happens once a year or so. The longing doesn't stop. Every time I see a baby that looks like BB, my arms ache. I want to cuddle him one more time and tell him how much I love him. It's a scary thing to have your child out there and you aren't able to protect them. You only want the best for your child, like any other parent. I know that J and K are constantly loving on BB. They are teaching him how to be a great person. They tell him how much his birth mom loves him and that's what keeps me going. I know that he is safe and loved. My heart will never be whole again, but it is worth it knowing that his heart is being filled with so much love. That is what being a mother is about. 

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