Saturday, June 13, 2015

To the new birth mother.

Dear new birth mom, 


I can feel your pain from here. That pain that never really leaves you, but instead becomes a permanent part of you. Sometimes it's a burning, searing pain. You wonder if it's ever going to go away. That pain hits and you think there is no way you are going to survive this. Other times it's a constant ache. You are trying to go back to "normal" but there is no such thing as normal anymore. The thing they don't tell you about adoption is that you can't go back to how life was before the baby. Adoption is everywhere you turn. There's no "turning it off" or "checking out". You are forever changed. You have to move forward and make a new normal. 

Some days, it seems easier. You cheer yourself on. You can go on and make your child proud! They will always know that because they exist, you are a better person. You see pictures of the family that you helped create, and feel full of love and light. You look at the image of this happy child that has your nose or eyes and feel full of unconditional love. Nothing can bring you down! You've been through the worst pain imaginable and you survived. Better yet, you are thriving. Look at everything you've accomplished so far.  You are strong! You are birth mom strong! 

 Then there are those other days. You know what days I'm talking about. The days where it seems like all you can do is breathe. You go from telling yourself that you can get through the day, to telling yourself you can get through this hour, this minute, this second. It feels like you are never going to breath normally again. The elephant on your chest presses harder each time you see a baby or a happy family. You see pictures of your smiling child and realize that he is not smiling because of you. You didn't bring that light to his eyes, someone else did. You would do anything to cuddle him for just a few minutes, your arms feel so heavy.  You feel different. It's as if being a birth mother has built a wall around you. People don't understand, and how could they? Most people will never know this pain. You are a mother without her child. You feel lost and alone. 

You try to smile through the insensitive comments. Every time someone says "Oh, I could NEVER do that" or "You didn't want your baby?" You feel like you're dying a little inside. Sometimes, people are being supportive with the first sentence. They mean that you are strong and they admire you. Sometimes, their words are full of judgement. You know that they mean that they think they love their child more than you do. You want to throw a fit, tell them that they would do it if they had to. They would do anything for their child. But maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't. Maybe being a birth mother takes a strength that some people just don't have. 

I can't offer much advice, but I want you to know that you aren't alone. I am in this journey with you. There are others out there who know your pain. We are here to hold your hand, cheer you on, or just be there to listen. This journey is not one that I take lightly. The title of birth mother is one that I hold dear. Remember on those days when it feels like you just can't go on that you've made it this far. You made it through pregnancy, birth, and placement. You've survived things that you never thought you could. Reach out to another birth mom. We've been there and we know what you are feeling. You may find comfort and comradery. 

8 comments:

  1. From one mom to another- you are awesome and I admire your honesty.

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    1. The words and emotions you've written, I feel them. All of them. Thanks for writing and being honest!

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    2. You are welcome. You know that I love you so <3

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  2. These words and emotions you've written, I feel them! All of them!!

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  3. Made me cry. I know exactly how you feel. You put into words a lot of emotions I experience on a daily basis

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    1. I am so glad that I could give you something to relate to. If you ever want to talk, I'm always here!!

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  4. Even after nearly 23 years, I still have "those days". Thank you for sharing your heart…and I know the heart of so many other birth mothers. It's good for all of us to know and remember we are not alone, not matter how alone we might feel at times.

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