Monday, June 29, 2015

When your best friend has a baby

Dates have always been important me. Many of them hold deep meanings. Two of those days are the day that my son was born and the day that I placed him. Today, my best friend of 16 years is being induced to have her baby. She will be welcoming her son into her arms and saying the most amazing hello that she has ever said.  Five months ago today, I said the hardest goodbye that I have ever said. My time with my son was ending and my heart was breaking.

I love my best friend dearly. We are as close as sisters. She knows my deepest darkest secrets and my fears, as I know hers. She has been there through it all. She was there for me during my pregnancy and the birth of my son as much as she could be from 3000 miles away. Today, I am trying to do the same for her. I have texted her love and sent many prayers her way. I am thrilled that she is going to finally have her baby in her arms, yet I cannot shake the sadness.

I can't stop thinking about "what should have been". The plans that we've had since we were children. I remember laying on the hill at her mom's house, talking about the future. We were going to have gold Mercedes with our names written on them in pink. At some point that changed to VW bugs. We were really creative. We dreamed that we would live together Golden Girls style, going out on fancy dates and eating ice cream together every night. Those dreams did not come true, and adult me knows that they were the fleeting ideals of children.  Seven year old me would be sad that my best friend and I don't have matching cars, but twenty two year old me knows that just having any car is a blessing.

Twenty two year old me is sad about the other dream that changed. Those carefree little girls had decided that they were going to have babies together and raise them as best friends. They would be as close as we were, they just had to be. As we grew up and got older, that dream faded. We realized the chances of our children being born close together were slim. She was getting married and I was single, leaving our hometown. Then, after I had decided on adoption, she found out she was expecting. At first, it didn't bother me. I was so happy that she was finally going to be a mom. When she found out she was having a son it really hit me. Our boys weren't going to grow up together. They weren't going to spend hours rolling down the hill like we did. They wouldn't build forts and play pretend while we drank wine and chatted about the good old days.

I feel blessed to have the open adoption that I do. I get to see my son grow up happy and healthy. I get to be a small part of his life. Days like today are just a huge reminder of what could have been. As much as I try not to, I think about the what if's. I ache to hold the baby that I haven't seen in months, cuddle him up to me, and just breathe in the scent of his head. Instead I am working. I am saving up money to go see him. For just a few moments, I hope that I will feel whole again with him in my arms.

I am patiently (impatiently) waiting the announcement that my best friend's son has been born. I am lucky to have an amazing best friend who understands that when I finally come home and see her son, I may not be able to stop the tears. As I breathe in that new baby smell, I will be flooded with memories. After that moment passes, I will celebrate with her. I will make her dinner and help her with laundry. We will fall back into our old rhythms, but this time will be different. This time we are mothers and know love beyond all reason.

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