Many of my views on adoption have changed over time. One of these views is that my adoption was "meant to be". I've heard many people (including myself) say that their adoption was meant to be, that God had somehow planned all of this and everything went just right. I can't believe that anymore. I don't want to believe it. There is deep pain and loss in every adoption, on all sides.
I believe that my son's parents were a perfect match for my situation, but I don't believe that I faced an unplanned pregnancy so they could have a child and I could become a birth mother. I don't think that the loss my son will feel over his adoption is meant to be. I don't believe that they went through the things that led them to adoption because they were meant to adopt my son. I don't believe that one day when my son asks about his birth father, he will be comforted by the sentiment of it was just meant to be. I believe deeply that we all did the best we could with the situations we were faced with, and were put into each others lives when we were needed.
I have to believe that the choices I make matter. I don't want to believe that there is some greater plan out there and I have no choice, no free will. That would mean that I was never meant to be my son's mother and I can't believe that. It would hurt too much.
Adoptions do not always go well. That is something I have seen so clearly over these past few months. I have seen open adoptions crumble and the emotional toll it takes. I have talked to women who feel like their only hope is when their birth child turns 18. They hold on to that hope because without it, they feel as though they will drown. I have seen adoptive parents hope that one day their child's birth parents will come back into the picture, so their children can feel loved and whole. Adoption is a scary world sometimes. The adoptive parents and birth parents I've talked to often feel like they have to "walk on eggshells". Both sides are scared that the other side will leave and they will be left to pick up the pieces.
Is this all "meant to be"? Are these the lives that we all were given for whatever reason? I don't want to believe so. I believe that we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have.