Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Rocking Chair

My breath catches in my throat as I see the chair. The blood is rushing to my head and I hope that no one can tell. I can barely hear what my mom is saying, so I answer with a general "Mmhm, yeah" which seems to satisfy her for the time-being. 

I didn't notice it before that moment. It has been spray painted since the last time I saw it, and someone was sitting there. It was supposed to go somewhere far away where I would never see it again but here it is, taunting me. Each time it swayed it felt like tiny knives in my chest. I had avoided sitting in it after my son was born, it was a blatant reminder of the mother I wasn't. 

 I am reminded of trying to rock my son in the rocker that his mother has for him in his nursery. He was fussy and I couldn't calm him. He didn't want me to feed him as he fell asleep, I wasn't the mama he knew. It was such a blow to my heart that I left the room in tears after saying goodbye. Would it have been different in the rocking chair in a nursery at my house? Would he have easily snuggled into my chest as I sang to him? How different would our lives be? 

I caught my breath as we walked down the stairs to go back home. The pit in my stomach deepened as I thought of how things could be different. I remembered a quote that I had read on Pinterest that soothed my soul a bit. I reminded myself that I've been through this pain before, and I will go through it again. I'm still alive through it all, and that's a huge accomplishment. 

Monday, March 14, 2016

Does Adoption Equal Love?

These are the pictures that pop up on Pinterest as soon as you type in "Adoption, Birthmother". They all tell you that in order to prove your love to your child, you have to give them a life without you. A woman considering adoption is told that she isn't good enough, she isn't doing the "right" thing if she parents. Adoption is portrayed as the "selfless" decision, which makes parenting then become the "selfish" decision. Adoption is the only scenario I know of where proving your love means taking yourself out of the equation. 

The other side to this is that adoptees are told that their mother chose adoption for them because she loved them so much. Their first example of love is shown through abandonment. The child goes from a familiar voice and smell, into a strangers arm's. There are studies that show what happens when a child is separated from their mother at birth, and it is damaging to the brain chemistry. Many of them grow up with feelings of rejection and being unworthy of love. 

So, was choosing adoption for my son a statement of love? I thought so at the time. My self confidence was so low that I felt he would truly be better with someone that wasn't me. I thought I wouldn't be a good mom, that I couldn't give him everything he deserved. That feeling was made worse when I started looking into adoption and saw what everyone else could give him. I see now that it was misguided, and I feel like I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to him. I will always try to prove that he is loved and wanted by me, and the rest of his biological family.  

So, if you're an expectant parent considering adoption and you're reading this, please know that maybe you are enough. Reach out, there are resources out there to help empower you to parent your child. Send me an email through the contact form and I will get you connected.