Monday, August 29, 2016

Terrible Adoption Profiles on Facebook

Oh, Facebook. The land of cat videos, cute toddlers doing funny things, and terrible adoptive parent profiles. I went over why you shouldn't post about your match on social media a few months ago, and now I thought we'd talk about adoptive parent profiles in general.

Here's a perfect example of why you shouldn't post about your adoption journey to the public at large. Since the creators of this page decided to block the group of birth mothers who were helping educate, I figured I'd move our points to a bigger platform.  

- When you post so in depth about your journey to adoption (and the heartbreak that you went through to get there), it takes away from the other narratives. The ones that aren't so "feel good".  People aren't going to be interested in reading about the damage adoption can do if there is a "fairytale" adoption story out there. One where an adoptive parent's life and heart has been completed by adoption.  That's not the story we need to talk about. Those stories aren't going to help anyone. Adoptive parents who really care about adoption and adoptees should provide a platform for adoptees and first parents to speak, not take up space with their rainbow and unicorn illusion of adoption. 

- When you talk about God's will and adoption, you are discounting the grief and loss that first parents and adoptees have gone through. Would you, as an adoptive parent, like it if someone told you that your infertility was God's plan? What if on the other ends, someone told you that you were just a womb meant to provide a child to people who happened to have more money than you do? What if you were told that you were supposed to be separated from your mother so someone else could be a parent? That you were interchangeable? Oh, you wouldn't like it? Stop. Saying. It. 

- The children in the example above have lost all of their privacy. Their journeys and pictures are out there FOREVER. This is the internet people. The child who has previously been adopted, and the child who may be adopted if these "parents" have their way, are going to find out that their mother wanted to parent them and their adoptive "parents" wouldn't let them. Everyone in their inner circle and in the adoption community knows their stories. They know about their birth mother. They know details (as shown in the comments) that NO ONE should know. What a disgusting breach of privacy for these beautiful girls and their natural family. It makes my heart ache. 

- Covering your ears and refusing to listen to those who are experts in the trauma of adoption is not going to help your child. It just isn't. An adoptive parent once told me that she sees her child in every adult adoptee that she talks to. It helps her listen to what they are saying and really take it in. You need to take your emotions and put them aside, or you are going to hurt your child. You need to be open to the discomfort of listening and learning now, or you and your child are both going to pay for it later. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Popular questions

I find that people have many questions about adoption and being a birth mother. I thought I'd answer a few of them here. 

Didn't you want your child? 
     Ummm.... Ouch. Don't ever ask anyone this again. Yes, I wanted my son. I wanted him more than anything. 
I had also been convinced by the adoption industry that I wasn't good enough for him, and that in order to prove just how much I loved him I needed to give him a "better life". Those fears and insecurities run so deep. By the time I gave birth to my son, I was convinced that I wasn't good enough to be a parent. That I didn't have enough patience and that "love wasn't enough". I thought "I'm going to be working and he's going to be in daycare all day. I'll be taking classes. What kind of life is that for a child?"  
Everything felt so black and white that I forgot shades of grey existed. I was defeated walking into that hospital, knowing that I just wasn't cut out to be a mom. No one told me that ALL moms feel that way. We all think that we're not good enough to raise these beautiful little souls. But, we are. 

How can you leave your visits? Isn't that hard?
Yes. It's so hard that my mind goes blank and my body throws up. Every. Single. Time.  It feels impossible. It feels like I'm leaving the hospital over and over and over again. BUT, I don't have a choice. I have to leave. I can't stay in that moment with him forever, as much as I try.

Don't you just want to take him with you?
Yes, but that's kidnapping. Legally I'm not allowed to. My parental rights have been removed.
Looking past the legalities, I wouldn't disrupt his life like that. He is attached to his family and he is so very happy. I took that first attachment away from him, and I would never want to hurt him again.

Why don't you just close the adoption? 
I made a promise to him that I would never hurt him again. I sat in the hospital and sobbed over him and told him that I would do everything I could to make sure he had the best life. I promised him that I would be here forever and I would never leave him again. So, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to make sure that I give him everything he could possibly need. I'm going to be here no matter how much it hurts me. 
 I will live with the consequences of my decision for the rest of my life. 

Do you have a question? Leave it in the comments or send me an email.