Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Popular questions

I find that people have many questions about adoption and being a birth mother. I thought I'd answer a few of them here. 

Didn't you want your child? 
     Ummm.... Ouch. Don't ever ask anyone this again. Yes, I wanted my son. I wanted him more than anything. 
I had also been convinced by the adoption industry that I wasn't good enough for him, and that in order to prove just how much I loved him I needed to give him a "better life". Those fears and insecurities run so deep. By the time I gave birth to my son, I was convinced that I wasn't good enough to be a parent. That I didn't have enough patience and that "love wasn't enough". I thought "I'm going to be working and he's going to be in daycare all day. I'll be taking classes. What kind of life is that for a child?"  
Everything felt so black and white that I forgot shades of grey existed. I was defeated walking into that hospital, knowing that I just wasn't cut out to be a mom. No one told me that ALL moms feel that way. We all think that we're not good enough to raise these beautiful little souls. But, we are. 

How can you leave your visits? Isn't that hard?
Yes. It's so hard that my mind goes blank and my body throws up. Every. Single. Time.  It feels impossible. It feels like I'm leaving the hospital over and over and over again. BUT, I don't have a choice. I have to leave. I can't stay in that moment with him forever, as much as I try.

Don't you just want to take him with you?
Yes, but that's kidnapping. Legally I'm not allowed to. My parental rights have been removed.
Looking past the legalities, I wouldn't disrupt his life like that. He is attached to his family and he is so very happy. I took that first attachment away from him, and I would never want to hurt him again.

Why don't you just close the adoption? 
I made a promise to him that I would never hurt him again. I sat in the hospital and sobbed over him and told him that I would do everything I could to make sure he had the best life. I promised him that I would be here forever and I would never leave him again. So, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to make sure that I give him everything he could possibly need. I'm going to be here no matter how much it hurts me. 
 I will live with the consequences of my decision for the rest of my life. 

Do you have a question? Leave it in the comments or send me an email. 

1 comment:

  1. You're amazing for sharing your pain. Hope you're making it through <3